Epiphany
The light at the end of the tunnel
Once again, he spontaneously let his eyes rest on that frame on his desk. The idea of getting rid of it had come to his mind a thousand times in the past few weeks. But every time he couldn’t find enough will power within him to commit that simple task.
He wondered about the circumstances that led things between him and her to such an end. It felt too unreal and he never got a proper explanation from her regarding that. They were insanely committed to each other. At least, that’s how it seemed to him. He had put everything he’d got into it and it seemed like everything was going absolutely well. That’s why he felt so devastated when she ended an eleven-month relationship over a one-hour phone call saying that they were no longer compatible and moving on like this would make both of them regret it in the end.
He remembered listening to her words coming from the other end not wanting to believe his own ears. For an entire hour, she tried to rationalize her decision with a calm yet steady voice but not attempting to get to the bottom of the issue. For him, that scenario was kind of similar to some modern scholars trying to explain the meaning or the core of everything. They would approach the problem with profound concepts, theories, and paradigms but at the end of the day, the audience will be left with more thirst and confusion.
Clearly, he never saw things coming. After their breakup occurred, that was the very reason he spent hours reflecting on every significant moment he shared with her in the past trying to find one single flaw in his love and faithfulness towards her. But ultimately, he failed. He could notice some signs of her trying to be a bit distant from him during the last few weeks of their relationship but he also remembered that every time she managed to give him a reason that made the scenario sound really ordinary. He was completely clueless about what was going to happen.
He had witnessed some of his friends go through terrible post-breakup phases in the past. Even if he hadn’t experienced such things to such an impactful extent at that time, as someone with his own fair share of experiences about human pair-bonding he could understand how painful it can be. After all, someone doesn’t have to go to the moon to know that it’s not made of green cheese. However, once he or she is LITERALLY on the moon, they can realize what it is REALLY made of.
Though he tried his best to hide the situation from the community he regularly dealt with, some observant eyes could easily spot his transformation. And some of his closest buddies couldn’t help but remind him again and again that even if grieving is totally okay, he was doing it the wrong way. According to them, it was so naive of him to make himself so miserable without even knowing the underlying problem.
At such moments he contemplated how things got started for him and her. Her arrival in this calm but boring neighborhood he lived in was something like a lost traveler seeing an oasis in a desert. It added novelty to the lives of people who got used to the same routine for years.
Young men never let her walk in the streets without offering some nice words or some assistance with her groceries. The old war veterans who hung out in the pub were so eager to keep her company in the evenings narrating stories about their time in Vietnam. The widows and divorcees poured out their hearts to her reflecting on their cherished moments, mistakes, and confusion. Teenage girls determined to be classy and elegant like her when they grow up.
Her tall, hourglass-shaped body, olive skin, and radiant smile were a sight to behold and therefore, she profusely had the attention of the opposite gender. He was just one individual among dozens of young men who contended to win her hand and there was a time he actually felt like he was fighting a losing battle. However, unimaginably when she showed interest in him and moved in with him, most of the contenders who had been friends with him since childhood were honest enough to express their envy but in a good way. In those days they often used to say that he had hit the jackpot.
After she officially came into his life everything around him got better. It was like living the experience that was once possible only in his dreams. Unconsciously yet effortlessly she strengthened his belief in “The One” and soulmates. Therefore, he never hesitated to value every single moment he spent with her. Also, he assumed that she also shared the same thing he felt about their connection. And of course, there were many signs that made him believe that he was right.
So, he never tried to deny the validity of his friends pushing him to ask for an explanation. After all, even a ten-year-old could see the necessity in that. But there were two things he was afraid of and made him hide in the shadows.
It was true that he never tried to intentionally hurt her. But what if he had done something terrible by mistake? He feared that the words in her explanation might confirm his doubt. Although he never even dreamed of doing her wrong consciously, as a really sensitive person he knew that he would barely be able to stand such a revelation. He would have a really hard time trying to forgive himself.
And there was one more reason that caused his hesitation. But it was neither about him nor her. It was solely about her picture he had built in his mind. There was this persona he wholeheartedly adored and he was afraid what she had to tell might make him think less of her. He couldn’t even think of seeing that image gets shattered.
He remembered the famous quote by Robert Frost
“A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.”
And there he was struggling to contain the emotions that were winning a battle against his ability to rationalize.
He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. By doing so, he gave himself a break from the figure in that frame that had taken over his vision. For the millionth time, he told himself that getting over this is not going to be as easy as letting go of the loss of that high school baseball game in the state finals where he was the team captain. There were more than enough physical, mental, and emotional entities that reminded him of her on a daily basis.
“What if she never came to my life?”
A random, ordinary thought appeared out of the blue.
He looked out of the window. It was a Sunday and the sun hadn’t risen yet. Usually, at weekends this small town which had been his home since birth took few more hours to wake up. Piercing the darkness that was slowly dissipating, his eyes saw the mountains far away.
“Why people get attracted to each other?”
He asked himself. But that was a question to which he knew the answer beforehand. Or at least he thought so.
Once again, the memories of his most intimate moments with her began to overwhelm him. It was like she was there in the room with him at the moment enchanting him with her radiant beauty and addressing him with her gentle, soothing voice. He felt like the atmosphere was filled with her intoxicating scent. But strangely it didn’t feel as nostalgic as it used to be.
“Freaking stimulations!” A smile that showed the signs of realization appeared on his face.
He was astonished when he began to think of the effects one’s senses could have on oneself. Also, he couldn’t help but wonder how he missed such an important aspect of existence for such a long time like thirty years.
For a moment he wanted to despise all the organs that helped him perceive things.
The organs that unfolded a colorful illusion of her!
Also, he didn’t forget to bash his own consciousness for making him dwell on the illusion.
Yes, the mind!
The culprit behind everything!
The grand illusionist that makes all living beings chase mirages!
Clearly, he was going somewhere he’d never been before. Until this moment, he was under the impression that even if he had no clue about the great mysteries that form the base of this universe, at least he knew everything necessary to live life fairly comfortably.
But gradually, he was realizing that he hadn’t even touched the surface of certain things.
He dared to let his thoughts go further along this newfound path.
“What if I shut all my senses? What if there were not this thing called “mind” to process everything my organs supply?”
He had never even imagined asking himself such questions in his wildest dreams. If someone else had asked him the same about a year ago, probably he would have doubted the sanity of that particular person.
But this moment was different.
He couldn’t exactly say that the path he had taken looked promising. But his intuition told him that it was worth trying. There was nothing but only one barrier that stood in his way. Though it didn’t put him in a dilemma, it slowed him down making him consider going further.
Was he doing the right thing? Or was his depressed nature influencing his thought process?
“One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite insane.”
The words of Nikola Tesla whom he had been admiring since his teenage years reverberated in his ears.
They slowed him down but barely discouraged him. Tesla might be true but the experience he had absorbed thanks to the rough patches he’d been through recently had given him enough sense to realize one thing.
There can never be a universal solution that fits every scenario.
Luckily, he didn’t have to wait much longer. Words of wisdom from another extraordinary human being reached his soul spontaneously.
“I believe in intuitions and inspirations. I sometimes feel that I am right. I do not know that I am.”
The Jewish Genius Albert Einstein put him at ease. He felt relieved. But Einstein wasn’t done yet. He realized that because at the same time some more pearls of wisdom unfolded before him.
“We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.”
He let out a long sigh. He had found enough backup to continue his quest.
So, he once again paid his attention to where he paused.
He began to think of a scenario where there were zero triggers.
Where there were no organs or a consciousness…..
Given everything he’d got himself into recently, he understood how peaceful it would be to experience such a thing.
Ultimately, there’ll be no attachments in such a scenario, and therefore, there’ll be no suffering. After all, he wondered whether there would be something called “existence” in that context. So, talking about aspects of existence at such a moment will be absurd.
That was a place where nouns, verbs, and adjectives made no sense.
In fact, it was something beyond words.
But why was he like this? Most importantly, why was everyone like this? What’s this mysterious force that keeps the things as they are?
Since his early teenage years, he had identified himself as an agnostic. But he felt like this was the time to let go of that label too.
After all, he was starting to feel that if there were any conscious higher being, probably He can’t be immune to suffering either. For him, the reason was simple.
There was a consciousness.
He remembered that one time he got injured while taking part in a protest march. A riot erupted and a stone thrown by someone hit his forehead. To this day, he didn’t know who did that. Actually, there was no point in trying to find out who it was. It could have been anybody because there were a few hundred people present at the moment.
What mattered the most was attending to his own wounds right away. Delaying that for the sake of looking for the culprit would have made things worse.
Therefore, having been a mere speck in a system that makes no sense, trying to figure out the core of everything would be the unwisest thing someone can do.
Contemplating the beauty of what he had just discovered, He looked out of the window once again. His face was lit with a calm smile and he felt lighter than ever.
The chirping of birds was taking over the atmosphere. He could see the dawn that was embracing the mountaintops.
He took his journal out and started penning the essence of everything he learned from his mental expedition.
“Decoding the profoundness of things is out of the question. Trying to figure out the cause of me being here is only going to make me weary. Did someone with power impose His will on me? Or did I choose this myself? Or am I just another effect of this natural process like most people believe?
Honestly, I don’t know the exact answer to that question. And given my situation, it’s not worth pursuing either. What matters the most is the present, the obvious fact that I exist in this very moment as a living, breathing creature…..
So, let those questions remain as questions forever. As some sages say, some things are better left untouched.
But there is one thing that can never be taken away from me until I remain sane. That’s my ability to observe the cause and its effect. How one thing eventually leads to another…..
In that way, I’ll be able to see and foresee things.
Does this mean I’m healed? If I thought so, that would be me tricking me. Of course, there is no quick fix for this damage. But the lesson is always worth it. I’m acting on a stage whose measurements are infinite and unperceivable. Therefore, wasting a large portion of time on regretting one single mistake that occurred in a particular scenario is never worth it.”
After putting the full stop he tossed the journal back into the drawer. The horn of the milkman’s truck reminded him that the day had already started. He couldn’t help but laugh at the noise his neighbor's teenage daughters made while fighting over some silly thing early in the morning. Suddenly, he remembered that he was supposed to meet Natalie from the office in the evening to discuss her upcoming proposal over coffee.
He once again looked at her portrait on the desk.
Surprisingly, he no longer struggled with the urge to keep it away from his sight. At least, it was going to stay there until he finds a worthy replacement.
Most importantly, he owed her his gratitude. After all, she made his eyes open even if she meant it or not.
